Last year, one of my students wrote this poem in response to the quote, “Pretty is just another word. There are so many adjectives to describe ourselves with that we shouldn't be so focused on just one.” She wrote: “Pretty can be a decision or a description Wounded women and children focus on being “pretty” instead of “beautiful” Guys rate us an 8 and we question rather we’re great or we’ll die without a mate. We think it’s too late, too late to change. Most women fail to realize that our beauty isn’t based on a rate, It’s based on our inner being, and what we’re seeing and believing Understand there’s no deceiving We ain’t dreaming Close your eyes, take away the knife and replace it with life. “ The moment she read this poem to me, I was floored. I was extremely impressed with her ability to begin dissecting all of the pressures teen girls and women feel to be beautiful and pretty. Over the next few blogs, I’ll break down a few different key elements she discusses in this poem. One is this obsession with trying to be pretty in order to validate that we are good enough, that we are worthy of affection. For example, look at this magazine cover: This is a Women’s Health magazine, yet look at the headlines… “Instant Motivation! Weight-Loss Tricks from Real Women”—not quite health. “Bikini Body in 2 Weeks: tight butt, lean legs, these abs”—not health. “Gwyneth: Crazy Fit, and Totally Uncensored”—not quite health and not related to her achievements. “30 Power Foods: So Yummy, So Slimming”—why add in “so slimming” instead of “so good for you”? “Look Like a Boss! Best Makeup for Work”—all about physical appearance, not about how to deal with the stressors of being a female boss or how to ace an interview. Most of this is looks-focused, encouraging women to be skinny, pretty, etc. rather than healthy. According to them, this is what we have to do to be good enough. Girls get the message from the media that we are not desirable and we are not worthwhile if we are not pretty. If you analyze TV shows, pop songs, rap songs, movies, ads, etc., we are told that our biggest asset is what we look like. Apparently, this is what is most important about us—our looks. And when we can’t measure up to these nearly impossible standards, we feel shame, self-hate, competition, and that we will never be good enough. What does this result in? Depression, eating disorders, body shame, as well as something called habitual body monitoring—basically, this is when you adjust your appearance or look in the mirror. The average woman does body monitoring every 30 seconds. As a result, how we look and managing that appearance takes up most of our mental space, which could instead be used on tests, homework, conversations with people, setting goals, etc. This also leads to lower self-esteem, lower GPAs, less belief you have a voice in politics, and less ability to get along with other women and have good friendships. So—what can you do? Notice the messages in ads, TV, songs, etc. If you can do that, then there won’t be that same unconscious impact on you. The intense pressure you feel to be pretty begins to subside because you know that isn’t the only thing that defines a woman. When these unconscious messages don't have control over what you think, you can choose which messages you believe and which standards you want to hold yourself to. Notice when you are worried about your appearance, and give yourself some kindness and compassion! Know that your worth is not based on your looks. You are good enough just as you are and you don’t need to wear make-up or a tight dress to get love and affection just because a music video or ad tells you to. As parents, you are powerful too. You can teach your daughters to value themselves for who they are, rather than how they look. And you can advocate for change with manufacturers and media producers. Watch TV and movies with your daughters. Listen to songs she likes. Browse her websites. Ask questions. “Why is she dressed like that? What message does that send? What could they have done differently?” Tell your daughter that you are proud of her and you love her. There is a lot more to say about this topic and so many different layers to it, such as photoshop and the underrepresentation of women of color in TV/film. Want more information? You can watch Miss Representation or a TED talk by Caroline Heldman called, “The Sexy Lie.” In the end, know that you are worthy of love and affection, regardless of your looks. You are good enough. Period. Like the poem says: "Most women fail to realize that our beauty isn’t based on a rate, It’s based on our inner being, and what we’re seeing and believing Understand there’s no deceiving We ain’t dreaming Close your eyes, take away the knife and replace it with life."
2 Comments
Jane
7/19/2015 09:01:20 am
This is so great!!! You are inspirational. Love your work!
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Shandra LaMotte
7/20/2015 03:52:31 am
Thank you Jane!
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AuthorI am a teen-empowerment coach. I work with teen girls, ages 14-17, who struggle with self-acceptance, perfectionism, seeking attention from others, and deep sadness or anger. Archives
September 2016
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